Clive Conversations

Welcome to Clive Conversations, reflections from Clive...

1. Queer, Poof, Bender, Bummer, Homo, Fudgepacker, just words? Hurtful words, hurtful names, names I have been called at some point in my life, not just in the playground as a boy because I didn't choose to behave in a way that some word say is normal (what is normal) but also last week by a builder I walked past. I happened to mention that I liked his hair, it's a free country, and he called me a poof. It doesn't bother me, it's like water off a ducks back but my point is this, some ducks have weak backs!

   Hate Crime is a 4 letter word and let's not forget it.

   It doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, black, white or disabled lets stand up against this (apart from the wheelchair bound, they can beep their horns) we must stamp this out (or wheel over it)

   Let's not let them win!

   (Posted on 2010-06-12 12:32:00 by Clive)

2. Before we go to print I feel indebted to repay a dept and release another extract to tickle your tastebuds! Thanks for yor support, I love you with all my heart...CXXX

   David dropped to his knees and stared hard-on at Eric's erect penis, longingly, hungryly, seductively, nonchalanly, all thoughts of his sham marriage, arthritis and pension went out of the double glazing. It might have been the drugs but David could have sworn it winked at him. Eric was not one for hygiene and the stench from his cock was profound but David was not put off, he'd waited 2 long days for this moment and nothing would stop him. As he looked up at Eric ,Davids mind drifted across to thoughts of his and Erics ironically whirlwind romance; the prison visit; the exchange of money; the promise. David had let Eric slip away once too often, but not this time, nothing would stop them this time not even Eric's over-bearing parents. When would they learn that 50 years was not a big age gap. 50 Years is a speck in the universe, a drop in the ocean a mouse in a big forest.

   Reality check...

   Engage...

   Suck

   Cock

   (Posted on 2010-05-18 21:23:00 by Clive)

3. I thought I’d blog you a short section of my Novella. Writing is a long and tiring process but I can handle it because I’m morally very strong indeed. Let me know what you think…

   
   

   I saw her standing there, she stood like no woman had ever stood, she stood like she had reinvented how it is that a woman might stand – reinventing the (female standing) wheel, she encapsulated standing, she was like ‘standing’ between inverted commas, standing powerfully with fragility, GOD DAMN IT, she stood like a man. She stood like a man because she was a man – a man called Curt.

   ‘You must be Curt’ I said, ‘Yes, yes I am’ s/he replied. It was at that moment that I knew things were going to change for me forever. I might never feel the same again about anything, ‘don’t do this again’, I said to myself, to my brain. ‘Don’t fuck this up again Clive’ – ‘don’t lose everything you care about by over-analysing it, don’t push someone away again because you’re intellectually superior and you have an above average IQ and an ability to judge the kind of person someone is unnaturally quickly.’

   Curt looked at me and said nothing for 8 seconds.

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   He then uttered the words that would start a chain reaction that would end with me losing everything I care about… - not my money, not my job, not my house, not my Audi….my mother. ‘Take me to bed’ he mysteriously whispered.

   And so I did (take him to bed).

   
   

   It’s very radical in terms of form but you get used to that as you read the material. I know you want to find out what happens – maybe I’ll post another section soon….watch this space.

   (Posted on 2010-03-30 14:55:00 by Clive)

4. I lot of messages are going around telling people to be vigilant about elderly people living near them – “go and check if they need anything”, “make sure they’re okay” etc. Don’t bother. I went jogging in the snow yesterday (you probably think that’s mad – but I’ve GOT to) and I fell over and twisted my ankle in three different places (probably) – I saw old Mrs Wadding’s curtains twitch and an ambulance arrived 3 minutes later – lazy bitch could be bothered to pick up the phone but couldn’t be bothered to get in her wheelchair and come and help Clive up, after everything I did for the (pagan)harvest festival too! Her son came round later that day with a bean casserole she’d made me and some flowers but my memory’s a little longer than that!

   Needless to say that’s me off work for the next couple of months, I suppose it gives me little time to keep going with the novel but never the less 3 months is a long time to be out of action. Never mind, I’ll be out and about again in 4 months or so.

   (Posted on 2010-01-07 09:41:00 by Clive)

5. Coco Cola, Reebok, Starbucks, PC World, Dairylea, Mcvities and The News of the World.

   Question, - What do these 7 "Organisations" have in common?

   Answer -

   a They are all high quality and at an affordable price

   b Without them our lives in the 21st Century would be very different (worse)

   c Without them our lives in the 21 st Century would be very different (better)

   It's a trick question. The answer is all of them. If you wanted a simple answer, apologies for there isn't one. There are not always simple answers in life and that's something we've all got to deal with.

   The other day I had a Frappaccino in Starbucks and read The News of the World. But the drink was paid for by a friend and the newspaper had been left behind by someone else so my conscience is clear. Besides, Starbucks now deal directly with Columbian farmers which I know because I saw a picture on the wall of the farmer that harvested the coffee for my drink, Jose I think his name was so they're actually bloody ethical, more so than Mcvitties that provide biscuits to child soldiers in Sierra Leone.

   My point as we approach a new decade is this. Love one another and the rest will sort itself out.

   Peace

   (Posted on 2009-12-30 12:41:00 by Clive)

6. Seasons!

   Let me tell you about a great new App I have just downloaded called Time. It will literally tell you the time anywhere in the world at the touch of a button which is great for me as I have so many International friends. Say I want to know the time in The Phillipines? A couple of clicks and I know that Ho Chi Min Su is online and ready to chat. Equally when Ahmed texts me from Morocco using the App I know that at time of writing he's probably sat down tucking into a curry. Time where have you been all my life. Check it out my friends!

   (Posted on 2009-12-29 16:20:00 by Clive)

7. You'll be pleased to hear I am in the process of finalising my latest gay novelette - "Crimes a gay passion" for internet only release. I wish more novelists like me would see sense and stop insisting their work be printed out of our depleting forests, for trees are natures lungs and Rats there goes the doorbell...back soon!

   (Posted on 2009-10-18 16:06:00 by Clive)

8. I’ve literally just got out of the Prius, plugged in my Blackberry and started typing this – remind me never to go on leave again and forget my phone-charger! Makes you think though, what life must have been like without mobile phones – probably a bit like what it was like during the 2nd world war when people had no idea what was happening on the frontline, with only propaganda and censored material to inform the ‘general’ public. Thank God we now live in a world of completely free press and free speech, with people able to say what they want when they want! Anyway, six weeks holiday isn’t as long as it seems when you’re camping in the Highlands (Lake District) – Flavio actually nicknamed me ‘Neanderthal Clive’ while we were away, I said it’s probably because of my hunter-gatherer skills, but he said “No Clive it’s because you insist on [[<<DELETED ON LEGAL ADVICE>>]] and you don’t mind [[<<DELETED ON LEGAL ADVICE>>]] all the way up yer big brute!”

   (Posted on 2009-09-21 22:40:00 by Clive)

9. The YOBs (Young Organised Black) are back again. They gather by the recycling units at the bottom of my apartment complex. Now I'm not going to apologise for having an apartment that my friends say is like a 5 star hotel suite (soft furnishings are the key) I work bloody hard for a living and I make a difference to peoples lives every day but I refuse to be a prisoner in my own home. David Cameron is right we should hug a hoody but David how do we know that the hoody wont stab you with a concealed weapon or accuse you of being a paedophile. I'm a buddist in spirit and a pragmatist by nature so let me tell you I called the police and had the YOBs moved on. I then tried to relax with a long hot bath a glass of Pinot and my Les Mis DVD (97 Broadway Production). It had been a stressful day what with this and the break in at the allotment. But do not fear my friends this will not stop me doing good things it makes me more determined and when I'm back from my 6 weeks leave I'll carry on. Rome wasn't built in a day and Clive needs a holiday. Love to all xxx

   (Posted on 2009-08-08 10:39:00 by Clive)

10. I am upset by the way the media has grabbed hold of a new zeitgeist "Sexting" and run with it. For those of you that don't know and I write as a parent "sexting" is like "texting" but with naked images. I was young once and I am sure you where too but there is a big difference between 2 boys exploring each others sexuality and this sick practice of feeling each others genitals untl they make each other a cake!!! Make it stop I deplore you!!!

    (Posted on 2009-08-06 21:53:00 by Clive)

11. I won’t tolerate racists. You know who you are and I won’t tolerate you. Here’s why, I’ve written this as a ‘staged’ conversation with myself (for clarity)…

    -Somebody from a different country has done something terrible Clive.

    -So technically Clive, someone, who is a different race, has done something terrible?

    -Yes Clive, that’s right

    -I’m going to shock you Clive

    -I’d like to see you try Clive, as you know Clive, it takes a lot to shock me

    -No, seriously Clive, this will shock you

    -Go ahead…

    -Well, say somebody of our race (quarter-Irish, one-eighth-Bavarian, psychologically-Indian, white/tanned, child-of-the-world) did something terrible…

    -Yes Clive, hard to imagine but go on…

    -Well, that’s my point, people from all ‘races’ can do terrible things, that just makes them bad people, not bad ‘races’

    -Yeah, that’s actually a bloody good point Clive, obviously I knew that anyway but it should make things clearer for people reading this

    -Thanks Clive

    -No, thank you Clive

    While I was writing that, I actually just had a think about what it would be like to be a schizophrenic, in the west (Britain) this condition is seen as a detrimental mental disorder, whereas in the east (China/India/Thailand/Polynesia/Africa/Peking/Sahara/Isle of White) having multiple personalities is seen as a Shamanistic gift.

    Makes you think doesn’t it?

    Yes it does Clive.

    (Posted on 2009-08-03 21:43:00 by Clive)

12. Bookends are completely useless and unnecessary in my opinion, unless used as a metaphor (for the beginning and end of something, an event or occasion, i.e. the freshly squeezed apple and celery juice and vegan fruitcake “bookended” the meat-free BBQ through which Clive raised over £120 (£123.47p) for people who literally have nothing, very well) in which case they are actually excellent.

    (Posted on 2009-07-27 10:27:00 by Clive)

13. I have recently had my niece and nephew over to stay at Chez Clive while my brother recovers from a rugby injury; a barbaric sport that I would not endorse here but Barry and I have always been chalk and cheese or Chalk and Clive as Mum used to say, before the fall.

    I digress. Steven wanted to go to see the so called film or as I prefer to refer the multi billion dollar franchise Harry Potter. Unfortunately our local arthouse cinema the Cornerhouse was not showing said film and there is no way I am going to line the pockets of the multiplexes as those who know me will testify. Unfortunately Steven was quite insistent and I just can't say no to a weeping ten year old.

    The film was quite childish and didn't have subtitles which means it's not clever filmaking. If a film is subtitled it will contain clever filmaking and since my Open University 5 week filmaking course I can really appreciate clever filmaking.

    The multiplex (no advertisements here my friends) was actually bloody good. I got a large popcorn, large diet coke and hotdog for £18 which the guy at the counter told me was a special deal and I just can't say no to a deal like that. The kids enjoyed the movie but couldn't have been hungry as they failed to eat the organic fruit and nuts I'd brought for them. It just goes to show you can't choose your family unless you do choose your family which is or isn't perfectly acceptable or unacceptable in this day and age.

    (Posted on 2009-07-26 11:31:00 by Clive)

14. There’s currently an Eastern-European artist called Marina Abramović that is taking over the Whitworth Gallery in Manchester. I’m furious. I don’t pretend to know a lot about her but I do know quite a lot about her – in the past she has done her ‘installations’ from within a circle of fire and (you won’t believe this) shot herself in the head in the name of art! I mean, I have some issues with Donny at the Whitworth, but I can’t knock their outreach programme (well, I can because it’s elitist – and a bit racist) it gets a lot of kids in there, drawing and doing all art stuff. My objection is that it’s next to the eye hospital – I wonder how many blind people will enjoy Marina’s work Mr Blair?! Yet more evidence of the money that’s getting pumped into the Manchester International Festival (and the Olympics) and diverted away from projects like my 'Herbal Tea Afternoon for a Herbal E Club Tune (young people can talk too if you bothered to learn their language!)' events.

    (Posted on 2009-07-14 10:35:00 by Clive)

15. People forget that Wimbledon's more that just a tennis tournament it's actually an area of London, like TwickenhamI. Not a nice area but an area nontheless. I lived there during my modelling days before relocating up T'North. People also forget that I'm two thirds Scottish so I'll be cheering for Bill Murray in The Wimbledon this season.

    
    

    (Posted on 2009-06-29 20:19:00 by Clive)

16. If I had a rainbow, it would be black and white

    The colours would banish, far out of sight

    Thus is the difference, between right and wrong

    Each individual’s power, to be weak or be strong

    For I love the world, it’s as simple as that

    Every person who lives here, every dog every cat

    I’m here for you all, helping keep you alive

    If you need me, facebook me, I’m your friend, I’m your Clive

    (Posted on 2009-06-22 11:55:00 by Clive)

17. Diligo totus populus , acsi populus es concutio

    That's latin for Love all people, even if the people are terrorists

    ...those Aztecs had their heads screwed on...

    (Posted on 2009-05-19 13:32:00 by Clive)

18. When Mum went into the home and Dad was finding it difficult to cope I almost considered cutting my hours back on the Urban ReGen scheme. I then realised that by trying to help a frail old man prepare meals, change light bulbs and mow the lawns I'd be letting down 75 children that are much worse off than him. I get a kick out off seeing the smiles on those kids faces and if the cancer spreads Dad will be dead in a year or so and it would have been a waste of my time?

    (Posted on 2009-05-18 14:07:00 by Clive)

19. If you ever think you’re hard done by in your life – just think what it must be like to walk a 150 miles a day just to get clean water (which isn’t even clean half the time) just to be able to grab a shower before going out.

    (Posted on 2009-04-29 12:19:00 by Clive)

20. I've been blogging the web for ten years now but I have never seen a site more mental than this it's mental what else can I say but bloody mental!

    (Posted on 2009-04-25 01:02:00 by clive)

21. I've got a lot of friends. Some of my friends are actors. They get very nervous before going on stage, some don't perform on stages, one mans stage is another mans garage. They're always saying to me, Clive you don't know what it's like to feel this way. Trust me I know exactly what it is like. When one of your dearest friends has been wrongly imprisoned due to a mix up with his passport and you have to stand in front of a jury and give evidence then you feel nerves. I don't I'm used to it but some people do. As for acting I can do that as well. I used to do it full time but in 1996 I quit showbiz for reasons I will not go into now suffice to say Dr Who would be a very different programme if I was still in the business and I shall say no more than that. You have got to have your moral code and if that means turning opportunities down then so be it.

    (Posted on 2009-04-23 17:02:00 by Clive)

22. I’ve been watching the British Broadcasting Corporation’s The Apprentice on the television and to be totally honest with you nothing that happens on it shocks me. Not a lot of people think of me as a businessperson but let me tell you something – I am. In business I swear by the 3 Ts – Targets, Talking and Telecommunications. It’s all very well being an ethically-aware, eco-maniac like I am, but you've got to have one eye on the economics too – after all, a protest march isn't going to happen if the marchers can’t drive to the protest! Anyway must dash now – I’ve got some of Francis’s washing to take out – time to get on with the ‘business’ of living my life…

    (Posted on 2009-04-15 23:45:00 by Clive)

23. Chocolate is not bad for you! Does that shock you? Chocolate is a bean that you can drink, very much like coffee. It's not the chocolate that will make you fat it's all the other stuff that the companies put in. Nestle are the worst culprits when they're not giving milkshakes to third world babies.

    That's why I make my own chocolate and I've been doing it way before that guy on channel 4.

    (Posted on 2009-04-08 21:03:00 by Clive)

24. Metaphors are always very good for explaining things. You take the thing you are trying to explain and make it into something that it isn’t actually, but could be. Poets do this a lot because interesting language is mightier than the sword. The most interesting poets are the ones that don’t publish their work – like me.

    (Posted on 2009-04-08 19:33:00 by Clive)

25. They say that a leopard never changes its spots. Erm…excuse me but I beg to differ. Anyone who has spent a few hours at our local Young Mens Drug and Sexual Deviation Treatment Clinic for the Terminally Dispossessed (YMDSDTCTD) will know that a leopard doesn’t just change it’s spots – but also it’s drug habits and frequency of cases of inappropriate sexual behaviour – sometimes, with the right support. We shouldn’t let these old maxims hold us back – for example, you can teach an old dog new tricks – Crack-Terry (a very, very good friend of mine, even though I wont let him in my house) has started to do a new dance (I don’t know where he’s picked it up from) on his bench on Wednesday – people think he’s mad but maybe those people should think about the fact that we’re all mad really – particularly the 9 til 5 suits with their mortgages, families and pleasant holidays – I’d rather be with Terry, dancing on his bench thanks very much!

    (Posted on 2009-04-07 11:37:00 by Clive)

26. Quick note

    My Facebook page has been infiltrated and seriously compromised please disrgard messages since 31/3, I've been in Helsinki and had no access hence discovering this shambles.

    I take my privacy very seriously and any compromise of my civil liberities will not be treated lightly. I learnt this vigalance from a very good Muslim friend of mineTariq.

    Don't worry I am currently writing a stern letter to Facebook, Microsoft, Dell and Apple to ensure this will not happen again. If my complaint is nearly as successful as the "Clive vs Woolworths" sexual discrimination case there will be serious repercussions

    I'm not saying this case fuelled the demise of said high street store but it did not help them and that can only be a good thing.

    (Posted on 2009-04-05 21:10:00 by Clive)

27. Be beautiful

    Stay beautiful

    Love one another.

    Accept your flaws

    Celebrate you're defects.

    Be who you are

    Never forget where you have come from.

    Cherish your neighbourhood

    Gay, Muslim or straight.

    Never compromise

    and

    Never apologise

    If only the rest of society would live by these rules.

    (Posted on 2009-04-05 20:49:00 by Clive)

28. Alcohol is a device of the corporations used to control the population. Take it from me. Every third Tuesday of the month I meet and council alcoholics and they've no-one to blame but themselves...and the supermarkets. If you ask me "The Supermarkets" are the terrorists of the economy. So basically if we all drank herbal tea we'd be in a far better situation which is basically the crux of any argument and I stand by that

    (Posted on 2009-04-03 19:41:00 by Clive)

29. May I be the first to congratulate David and Keith on the adoption of little Mary. A beautiful couple and a beautiful child.

    I'll have to pop in for a cuppa when I'm next in London.

    (Posted on 2009-04-03 13:51:00 by Clive)

30. The thing about washing powder is that it’s all made in one factory and then they just change the packaging – I know because Michael from the vegan cafe told me and he bloody well knows.

    (Posted on 2009-03-26 10:08:00 by Clive)

31. A very dear friend of mine Richard Christ-Johns recently wrote a witty, cutting and actually very clever piece on his website about Tesco entitled 'Tesco be not afraid for it is the future - How to feed the family for under a fiver and still be ethical.

    Check it out on his website. But don't leave a comment. He's dead. Great shame, a lovely man but life is transient and we should never forget that.

    (Posted on 2009-03-21 10:34:00 by Clive)

32. There’s actually a lot of mythology around the ethics of organic vegetables – I said to Ian (my greengrocer – who’s a regular, honest working class guy) that I’d rather buy a bloody battery farmed marrow than line the pockets of the 21st Century petit bourgeoisie organic mass-producers. He said he doesn’t want shit on his carrots. Quid Pro Quo – he’s a simple man but he’s grounded and you can’t buy that, well he can’t, and neither can I because I give all my money to environmental charities that I wont disclose here.

    (Posted on 2009-03-18 16:28:00 by Clive)

33. No joy on the juicer front Clive, as for the beetroots call in to the allotment and I'll dig you up a few.

    (Posted on 2009-03-18 16:02:00 by Clive)

34. Anybody in cyberspace got a juicer I could borrow? Mine's bloody packed up and if you don't know already the third Thursday of the month is when I get the guys from recycling group over for a juice and the preverbial chin wag.

    Also anyone know a good supplier of beetroots?

    (Posted on 2009-03-18 15:59:00 by Clive)

35. Basically you've got to remember that a recession is like a forest fire. There will be a lot of destruction of forest (unemployment) but ultimately the land (economy) will become more fertile and better equpped for the future...and that's nature.

    (Posted on 2009-03-18 15:53:00 by Clive)

36. Just a quick note on the bloody credit crunch - you just can't be too careful with your bloody purchases these days. I've actually got a brilliant tip for you - Shop around. You've got to shop around. Simple.

    (Posted on 2009-03-17 23:02:00 by Clive)

37. Yeah, actually what I find most fascinating about the internet is just the bloody wealth of information out there – you literally can turn your life around online – I became a Buddhist online through this bloody great guy in India – he’s dead now of course and I couldn’t get over there for the funeral – but you can’t live your life with regrets, it’s simply not viable.

    (Posted on 2009-03-13 01:04:00 by Clive)

38. Yeah, this is actually a bloody good web-site, and that's me saying that

    (Posted on 2009-03-07 15:48:00 by Clive)